A guy has been pressuring his girlfriend for sex. Finally she says, “Come over for dinner. It might be your lucky night.”Excited, he goes to the pharmacy to pick up some condoms. He waits for everyone to leave the story and finally goes up to buy them. “You buy these a lot?” the pharmacist asks.

“No,” he replies, “Just hoping to get lucky tonight.”

When the boy finally gets to his girlfriend’s house that night, her father says, “At our house, the guest always gets to pronounce grace.”

The boy quickly bows his head and recites prayers from religions around the world. After dinner his girlfriends tells him, “I had no idea you were so religious.”

The boy replies, “Yeah, well I didn’t know you’re dad was the town pharmacist.”

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,

I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp. 
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’tsay he was stoned off his ass. 
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.” 
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”. 
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.” 
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifiers: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” Asked the friend. The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 
2. You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud. 
3. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. 
4. You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth. 
5. At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. 
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. 
7. You can’t describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. 
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. 
9. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. 
10. A peaceful meditation is one without gas. 
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. 
12. Your master/mentor ever said “Hey, pull my finger…” 
13. Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard. 
14. You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit. 
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 
17. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial. 
18. You use your lightsaber to clean fish. 
19. Your father said to you, “Shoot, son come on over t’ the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.” 
20. You use your R-2 unit’s self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 
21. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it. 
22. You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace. 
23. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. 
24. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. 
25. More than half the droids you own don’t function. 
26. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. 
27. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married. 
28. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth. 
29. Your moonshine is really made on the moon. 
30. You don’t like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. 
31. Sandpeople back down from your mama. 
32. You’ve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI. 
33. You’ve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent. 
34. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. 
35. You’ve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. 
36. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave. 
37. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber. 
38. You don’t think the Ewoks are primitive. 
39. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. 
40. You don’t think Jabba’s pig guards have a hygiene problem. 
41. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. 
42. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. 
43. You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother…

…. 

• Nike Condoms: Just do it. 
• Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. 
• Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. 
• Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop. 
• Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. 
• Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong andgrowing. 
• Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman. 
• Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. 
• Ford Condoms: The best never rest. 
• Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. 
• Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did? 
• New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know. 
• California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next? 
• Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. 
• KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. 
• Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. 
• Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one. 
• Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. 
• The Carl’s Jr. Condom: If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t 
• belong in your face… 
• General Electric: We bring good things to life! 
• AT&T condom: “Reach out and touch someone.” 
• Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper. 
• Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? 
• Energizer: It keeps going and going and going…. 
• M&M condom: “It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!” 
• Chevron: use them? people do. 
• Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border 
• MCI: for friends and family 
• Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! 
• The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter 
• Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta’s ready when you are 
• United Airlines travel pack: Fly United 
• The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before 
• A Tampon company Condom: We may not be number 1, but we’re right up there!

Confucious say:

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
• Man who stand on toilet high on pot. 
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. 
• Man who jizz in cash register come into money. 
• Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 
• Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. 
• Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. 
• Baseball wrong–man with four balls cannot walk. 
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. 
• Learn to masturbate–come in handy. 
• Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. 
• Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. 
• Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.